10 things i have learned on 36 years on earth

Today is my 36th birthday. It does feel surreal to be celebrating an age I did not think I would make it. I don’t think I ever saw myself past 30 honestly. Here I am. Living in an off grid mud house in rural New Mexico trying to heal from an intense foot surgery without water, plumbing, gas or reliable electricity. Also, in the midst of a pretty big (half) move out of the country. I say half because I will still continue to keep residency in the empire and plan to come back regularly for short living stints as work is still here. I wanted to write a quick “10 things I have learned so far”. I always loved to hear older Queers talking about what they have learned with age. So here are mine:

1) The concept of success is a TRAP. Do not compare yourself to other and above all DEFINE what success means to you. If you do not define “success”, the system will define if for you. One day you will wake up and realize the dream you have been building towards is as absurd as the two party system or trying to “change the system from within”

2) Redifine success outside of the limiting understanding under capitalism. For me “success” means looking back to my life and seeing a life worth living, it has been a wild ride but it has been full and I have so many stories to tell and so many people I have met. It feels lived in, and I want a future that feels just like that.

3) SAVE and LIVE BELOW YOUR MEANS. I say this in caps because I have seen so many people fall into consumerist capitalism. I am a Venusian creature, a sun in libra and a moon in taurus. I love the fine things in life but also re-defining “luxury” will save you so much! I have been a migrant in this country working self employed gigs since forever, living below my means has saved me. If you start making more money, that does not mean you gotta spend that money… it means you can SAVE more. Every single person that is not wealthy or has generational wealth coming should live like this.

4) You might think that your friends have the same values and will respond with the same sacred rage that you would respond to a situation…. but in reality a lot of people love and center ytness and cisheteo patriarchy. You are not insane.

5) Be flexible in your beliefs… what you thought were absolute truths can and will change. You thought you were a polyamorist but later find yourself playing with non monogamishn-ness? You thought you only wanted to live on your own but later discover you enjoy co-living with others? Be open for change.

6) For all those people that are walking around thinking they are saviors… please consider looking into how you trauma and upbringing might have pushed you to believe that if you “fix” others or give them all you can they will show you the unconditional love your child and teenage self want so deeply. Fixing, saving or giving your ALL to others will NOT FIX YOU. I can guarantee that focusing that energy and saving yourself will fix a LOT of things in your life though.

7) Remember the times your rebellious child and teenage self were told that “if was just a phase”. At some point someone might have told you that your Queer/Trans/anti-organized religion/feminist/etc self was just going through a “phase” but now look at you more radical than ever and probably way more resourced with information to debunk the lies. All the younger versions of yourself were right and now you keep nurturing them.

8) Enjoy your body in all its sizes and iterations. It all goes so fast and so much energy has been put into hating this shell and trying to morph it… but it is all so futile and your focus should be embodiment. Even if you can’t do this for yourself, do it because they tell you to hate yourself. Do it out of spite if necessary.

9) Honestly do whatever makes you happy. I say this of course after you have a strong foundation of systematic oppression and understanding that happiness is political.

10) Take care of your shell. Take care of your body/territory. I have spent so much time being so mean to this body that I decided to give my future self a softer life. As I write to you I am 3 weeks immobile after going through a surgery that I decided to have so that my future self has an easier time walking. The present is nothing but the conversation between the past and the future so go take care of this body. Again, if you can’t bring yourself to do it our of love, do it because you want to outlive the empires.